friends?

So I know I haven't been there lately. Things have just been too busy for you and me time. Dinner sometime maybe? Greek? Saw you twice in one day after not seeing you at all for 2 months. I want to express something outloud without sounding like I always sound. People in Charlotte I have noticed are not loyal. There are very few people I would trust to hold my bobby-pin let alone my secrets. I have noticed you are a very strong woman and you often let people walk all over you, and you know it. You deserve better...the best. You deserve a friend like Keba or someone you can atleast trust with a man friend. It sucks not being able to trust your best friend and a potential bf or lover to be in the same room together without worrying about them jumping each-others bones. That was one of the things that has bothered me in my past with a certain person. Just for the dier need for attention she will risk the factor of loosing or hurting a bestie. Is it really worth it? Stand up and say you like him or your not comfortable with them together. It sucks to see she is mistreating you like this. I often think its funny how much she wants to fit in and be just like you, its kind of crazyness. I think its funny that she has changed completly into a mini you. But hey thats a complement bc you are one cool chick and to be besties with you would be great bc you are in turn one of the only loyal people here in charlotte. I think its cute she wants a sleeve now and wants you car and has changed her style to be you. hey, after all envy is the greatest form of a complement. flattering even. But do not take this as a hit to her but as a warning for you to keep your mind open and your heart protected. Because what is close to you could be something she can steal. Nothing to some people is off limits in the game of love. I really don't know why im writing this. It's just something about this situation got under my skin yesterday. Maybe for the fact that you are the better friend in this case. Putting aside you feelings once again and letting someone else have a try. Bc you have put your feelings aside numerous times in order for other people to be happy. Well its time for you to be happy. Sometimes its okay to be a bitch and say "move bitch get out the way" and go on a date with a guy even if it doesn't lead to anything; you will know that you have tried and taken a chance on him.

Im probably babbling at this point...and it probably has something to do with being 8 in the morning and I've been up since 7.

Dinner sometime maybe?

p.s. not blogging. this is blocked just for you sunshine.

maybe not

okay, well i tried deleting it, but i couldn't find out how to, so im just gonna stop!

DELETE

seriously? i started this blog thing because maybe Ashley was right, maybe expressing my feelings in a blog would help me understand people more. like maybe, just maybe once the words left my head they would sound more logical, but nope, people still do stupid things, and still say stupid words. the interpretation in my head does nothing to the fact of what you actually say or what you actually do. So i realized that every time i want to write something in my blog it was about you. every time i found something to say, it was about you. and yet i still don't know why you wont talk to me, or yet act fake around me but yet when I'm not face to face, things change. You always brag about how you are so much more mature than anyone who may only be 3 months, or a year younger than you, but yet you still act your shoe size and not your age. So I am deleting this thing, because if I am going to say something, it might as well be to your face.


:)

truely thankful. IRONIC?

So I am home for Thanksgiving break. I went to church this past Sunday and heard about blah blah blah pilgram blah blah blah thanks....ya know the usual things you hear this time of year.

So im back in town, and i just want to make this clear, for the past year plus some, i have never come into town without seeing my ex, we'll call him Fred. Things have not changed this time, but yet they have. Over the past few weeks I have become a very fed up person with him. between arguing and just talking in general things are just never pretty. And I have been in some in depth thought about relationships in general. ours, well what used to be ours, and what i want to come out of future ones.

Tuesday evening I get a text...I need your help. So being the always willingest person i am, yes Fred what do you need. So this fades out and the next morning i proceed to be a taxi and drive him around and help him pay bills, yada yada, not talking because i have tonsillitis. So it was a very awkward drive. We get to talking, well him talking i was just sitting back taking in everything he says. He goes on and on about how our relationship was a failure and continues to be my fault when even though i am still here for him day after day, even after all the nasty things he has said to me. I guess bc of the type of person i am, and who i was raised to be i have a very forgiving heart and i am a very very very patient person. As we drive around Wilmington and i sit in the car for 30 min while he goes and shops for a shirt. then off to another place to find a vest (25min) then off to the phone place to pay a bill. All the mean time he is yelling and telling me how i am such a bad person and im this and that and how I am not good enough for him. And the whole time I am thinking, wow, i really don't deserve this. neither does in person in general.

See, I have been trying to convince myself for the past 3 months not to love him, not to feed into his lies, and most importantly to get over him. But the more I think about it, the more i need to love him because it seems noone else does, the more i need to listen to him, because maybe that is why he lies, and maybe just maybe, I need to not get over him because after all, he was my first love, and you never get over you first love.

But instead, I need to learn to have a balance of both, because after all life is a balance of things, good with bad, nice with naughty, and love with hate.

I know this is going on forever, but isn't this was this is for, to get out all this crap in my head, and to be less stressed?

To my point- As I sat their driving him along i realized I had no more feelings towards him, no passion, no hatred for him leaving me, just no feelings. As he went on and on, i felt more relieved. Just a sense of freedom escaped from my soul. And after all this pain, and heartache, i feel absolutely no feelings for this man, its a great feeling. I am happy to say, even though i have technically been single for a few months now, it felt as if i wasn't. I felt as if my heart still belonged with him and therefore being with another man just felt dirty and strange. I guess everyone has a breaking point where they just don't care anymore. when I can just sit back and hear him bitch and complain about everything i do wrong, and laugh inside because I'm just singing along to the radio.

I am so happy and ready to move along, have nothing tying me down, and just free to do as i please. I just had to write this, i know its strange but i feel like its a huge weight off my chest. Im happy. Just simply, childishly happy.

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my life, my family, my friends, and the ones I love the most. I am thankful for my puppy, and the joy of people around me. I am thankful to have a smile on my face and food and shelter. I am Thankful to be happy as i am and free like a bird, or maybe a polar bear, bc they are cool.

p.s. as i finally end this thing, as i was writing this my lovely mother and brother had an interesting conversation about birth control. And the other day their was some questions about marriage....who should i be? maybe auntie sue, or aunt susie? or like my aunt...susu?? hummmmmmmmmm

WilmyWood

So it's Thanksgiving week. I am off for break and it is the first time I have been home all year, of coarse what happens, i get sick. Just fucking figures!

Now Ashley dearest inspired me to create this. Because I have a lot of random thoughts, but i am horrible at diaries. and I guess this is like a diary, but maybe because it is on the computer I will write more. because i love to write and just basically talk in general. as all my friends know ha.

But yes, blog just a fun word to say. (sorry)

So i got home friday late, and saturday morning got up saw my puppy, and it just brightened my day. I realize how much I have missed home and I dont want to head back to Charlotte. boring ass, lame ass, charlotte. excited to see my friends and heading downtown to hookah bar and what not, pt's with riley and to see lindsey and mines other puppy!

well thats all my exciting news. yup. not so exciting is it? didn't think so. bummer man.