truely thankful. IRONIC?

So I am home for Thanksgiving break. I went to church this past Sunday and heard about blah blah blah pilgram blah blah blah thanks....ya know the usual things you hear this time of year.

So im back in town, and i just want to make this clear, for the past year plus some, i have never come into town without seeing my ex, we'll call him Fred. Things have not changed this time, but yet they have. Over the past few weeks I have become a very fed up person with him. between arguing and just talking in general things are just never pretty. And I have been in some in depth thought about relationships in general. ours, well what used to be ours, and what i want to come out of future ones.

Tuesday evening I get a text...I need your help. So being the always willingest person i am, yes Fred what do you need. So this fades out and the next morning i proceed to be a taxi and drive him around and help him pay bills, yada yada, not talking because i have tonsillitis. So it was a very awkward drive. We get to talking, well him talking i was just sitting back taking in everything he says. He goes on and on about how our relationship was a failure and continues to be my fault when even though i am still here for him day after day, even after all the nasty things he has said to me. I guess bc of the type of person i am, and who i was raised to be i have a very forgiving heart and i am a very very very patient person. As we drive around Wilmington and i sit in the car for 30 min while he goes and shops for a shirt. then off to another place to find a vest (25min) then off to the phone place to pay a bill. All the mean time he is yelling and telling me how i am such a bad person and im this and that and how I am not good enough for him. And the whole time I am thinking, wow, i really don't deserve this. neither does in person in general.

See, I have been trying to convince myself for the past 3 months not to love him, not to feed into his lies, and most importantly to get over him. But the more I think about it, the more i need to love him because it seems noone else does, the more i need to listen to him, because maybe that is why he lies, and maybe just maybe, I need to not get over him because after all, he was my first love, and you never get over you first love.

But instead, I need to learn to have a balance of both, because after all life is a balance of things, good with bad, nice with naughty, and love with hate.

I know this is going on forever, but isn't this was this is for, to get out all this crap in my head, and to be less stressed?

To my point- As I sat their driving him along i realized I had no more feelings towards him, no passion, no hatred for him leaving me, just no feelings. As he went on and on, i felt more relieved. Just a sense of freedom escaped from my soul. And after all this pain, and heartache, i feel absolutely no feelings for this man, its a great feeling. I am happy to say, even though i have technically been single for a few months now, it felt as if i wasn't. I felt as if my heart still belonged with him and therefore being with another man just felt dirty and strange. I guess everyone has a breaking point where they just don't care anymore. when I can just sit back and hear him bitch and complain about everything i do wrong, and laugh inside because I'm just singing along to the radio.

I am so happy and ready to move along, have nothing tying me down, and just free to do as i please. I just had to write this, i know its strange but i feel like its a huge weight off my chest. Im happy. Just simply, childishly happy.

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for my life, my family, my friends, and the ones I love the most. I am thankful for my puppy, and the joy of people around me. I am thankful to have a smile on my face and food and shelter. I am Thankful to be happy as i am and free like a bird, or maybe a polar bear, bc they are cool.

p.s. as i finally end this thing, as i was writing this my lovely mother and brother had an interesting conversation about birth control. And the other day their was some questions about marriage....who should i be? maybe auntie sue, or aunt susie? or like my aunt...susu?? hummmmmmmmmm